A Smokin' Racoon

 Ranger Rick says, "kids, don't play with fire in the woods."

Careful kids, you could choke on the smoke.

My son is taking European History. His friends have taken to calling him "Hapsburg" because he is a German Catholic. That is probably the single nerdiest nickname I can think of. By the way, the Hapsburgs were the primary monarchy of the Holy Roman Empire in Central Europe during the Middle Ages and they play a major role in Bohemian history. I'll talk about them another time. But I tell you this nickname in order to ask is that really the best that a bunch of smart-mouthed teens can come up with? When they have so much to work with here?  (Don't worry, I'll get to the raccoon.)

This post is about going through life with a name like Vokoun. For those of you reading who were not saddled with a weird, mispronounced name blessed to carry on the unique family heritage, you may not fully grasp the lifelong quandary of how to respond when someone says it differently than you do. To correct or not to correct? That is the question. 

Most of us go with the no correction approach. See how my own brother, John Vokoun, masterfully demonstrates this response in an interview about my brother with an art gallery owner promoting my brother's work...in...order...to...sell...it. (You only need to watch the first 25 seconds).

See that? That would be the no-flinch, no-reaction-at-all approach. That is also my usual tact as well. Why bother, not worth the trouble, move along? Unfortunately, sometimes this is not enough for the curious few who persist in getting it right. So the rest of the post is for said curious few.

First, there are the Vokouns of the world who say it vo-KOON, rhymes with racoon, balloon, spittoon. You get the idea. This is how the majority of new acquaintances, guessing, say it. There is nothing wrong with this pronunciation except that it's not OUR pronunciation. For me, however, there is the PTSD factor. People ask me why I never correct them, I tell them I used to come home every day crying because the teachers couldn't pronounce my name. Then I finished kindergarten. Anyhow, voKOON is how my kindergarten teacher said it so its always had a bit of nails-on-the-chalkboard effect to my ears. My oldest son, after reading this post, announced that he preferred voKOON and liked it when his friends called him that. Dang kids. I need to check his ancestry.

Vokouns of Chicago say VO-kin. I had a bonding moment with one of the distant cousins, who I contacted in conjunction with this blog, when we realized we were both VO-kins. At least now, I know that ol' Jan and Josefa set all the kids straight on this. My best friend in high school seized on this and came up with Chokin' which is what always came out right before something was about to happen that might get us in trouble. As the years have gone on, I have added, depending on my mood and my audience, Smokin' and Jokin' which never ceases to amuse the crowd me.

The other very popular variation is to insert an 'L', because surely we must be green-blooded, pointy-eared Vulcans.

I have been many times, in many places been 'Mr. Spock' and learned long ago to make the 'v' sign with my fingers. I embrace that nickname boldly as the logical embodiment of kitschy, outer-space cool. So now you can fully appreciate my utter disappointment with 'Hapsburg'. At least my kid still has college to go, so there's hope.

Lest I forget, in case you were wondering, here is the official Czech language pronunciation (drum roll, please)...

                           VO-kohn

You can listen to it by entering 'Vokoun' on this tool. I have also heard it pronounced VAW-kohn but we shall stick with the one that best validates our way! For all the women Vokouns, here's a way to have fun with your friends! Insist on being called Vokounova. I look forward to pulling that out for my future daughters-in-law.

As for Ranger Rick, he's not actually a Vokoun. But he is one smokin' racoon (unless he happens to be jokin').